


Justification

by darkangel_silvermoon



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Derek Morgan - Freeform, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Slash, Spencer Reid - Freeform, TW: cutting, tw: self-harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-10
Updated: 2017-07-10
Packaged: 2018-11-30 08:52:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,865
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11460201
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/darkangel_silvermoon/pseuds/darkangel_silvermoon
Summary: Reid is trying to cope with all the changes.  He's failing.





	1. Razor's Edge

**Author's Note:**

> In all seriousness, Self injury is real. It's a real problem that needs to be addressed, and maybe I'm doing more harm than good by posting this, and I'm sorry if I am. But if you know someone who's going through this, reach out to them. They need help, they just don't know how to ask, and if you don't know how to give it…tell someone who can handle the situation in the safest way possible.
> 
> And if you are going through something like this yourself, tell someone. It gets better in time. You just can't hold it in, that only makes those feelings worse. And sometimes it takes leaning on someone else to make it better. 
> 
> Thank you for all your support. Please Read,think,comment

Reid holds his breath as the tendons jump beneath his skin.

_It's better than drugs and no one gets hurt…really._

_The skin is meant to repair itself. Over 170,000 skin cells die a day._

All these thoughts float through Reid's head as he places the razor against his skin; pulse beat caught against his wrist, throbbing.

_It's just to relieve stress without the harming effects of drug use._

Reid presses lightly, dragging the razor against his skin, feeling pinpricks of … _something_ , before the droplets of red pop to the surface, reaching the air to die, to run down the side of his forearm.

_I can breathe again._

His fingers shake at the sight of blood, fresh and bright red. It never gets old, each time feels like the first.

_I want to feel…something._

Lately, it's all been a bit too much, everyone around him are dropping into the back ground; nothing more than ghost.

Anyone who ever said they gave a damn... his family; they've been taken away, they've left, been pushed away…Gideon, Elle, J.J., his mother, his father.

Dropping like flies, his support system is dwindling, he just needs something to cope, and he knows drugs aren't the answer.

The nightmares are getting worse; he can't deal anymore, struggling for sleep that eludes him more often than not. When he closes his eyes, the horrors of never forgetting flood him. What else can he do?

_I can stop any time I want to, I just don't want to._

_Doesn't that sound familiar?_

Reid knows this is temporary; he can't keep this up, without the negative downward spiral to come.

He alienates people naturally, that's all he's ever really known.

Even if he can have a rational thought about the situation, doesn't mean he can't be a bit stupid about it.

Even genius' can be imperfect…doesn't he know it?

He goes at his arm again, again, again 'til thin wires red stand in high relief against his blanching skin.

_I'll never go deep enough to do any serious damage. This is all superficial._

Tears of relief, of pain, of anger, of the purest agony, tears of joy all struggle together to the surface, spilling over as he sobs out harshly.

Another another another another another slash, mark, line takes him further out of his mind, as he focuses only on the "pain" that ghosts over him, threatening to take him over completely. It's not even pain anymore, just the physical proof that the mental is real. Nothing more than the reminder that he is alive. Just phantom things, soft edges blurring into something good.

Yes, better than drugs as he floats, barely touching the earth as he places the blood caked razor down on the edge of the sink in the B.A.U.'s bathroom.

_It's going to be okay._

He tells himself as he sinks into his skin, staving off whatever dark feeling that's going to come back double time after this all goes away.

It never stays and it always takes a little bit more to get him to this happier place that he's in now.

He runs the warm water over his forearm, rinsing the drying blood, reddish orange down the drain…it's starting to sting, and Reid smiles bitterly through his tears.

_Is it worth it?_

Reid looks up at the mirror, to see his reflection and startles, eyes locking with Morgan's.

He forgot to lock the door.

Even genius' can be dumb.

"Pretty Boy?" Morgan stands rooted, slightly swaying.

"Wha—kid?" His voice is high, sharp panic permeating the air as he takes a faltering step towards Reid, who calmly turns off the faucet, criss- crosses of cuts blazing angry red.

He rolls down his sleeve, wincing in pain.

Wordlessly, he tries to slip past Morgan—

_I have nothing to be ashamed of…_

Morgan grabs Reid's upper arm, halting him in his tracks.

"Reid?" He looks him in the eye as Reid's glance slides away.

"Morgan. Let. Me. Go." He hisses through clenched teeth as he tries to wrench from Morgan's grip.

"No, Reid, what's wrong?" Morgan's voice is unsteady.

Reid scoffs.

_If I have nothing to be ashamed of, why do I feel so bad?_

"You care? The Derek Morgan actually cares about someone other than himself?" Reid laughs, before choking on a sob.

_Morgan, you're part of the problem._

"Reid, whatever it is, you can tell me. Why…why are you doing this?" Morgan asks incredulously.

"If it were that easy, I probably wouldn't be doing this, don't you think?" Reid tries to pull back on the tough guy façade, but fails, eyes betraying him.

_Morgan, you're not making this any easier._

"Kid I want to help. How can I?" Morgan pulls Reid close, wrapping him in a tight hug.

"I don't wanna see you hurt." Morgan says with all sincerity as Reid sinks into his arms, not fighting at all as he sobs.

_Morgan, I love you._

"I don't know. Ijustdon'tknow!" Reid sobs as Morgan stokes his back, placing his chin on Reid's head.

_Help me._

"Shhh…it's okay. It's okay…we'll figure this out." Morgan hums as Reid's cries reverberate in his chest.

"O..okay." Reid nods his head.

"It's alright. I'm here for you. Always." Morgan pulls up from Reid a bit to wipe at his eyes.

"Got that?" Morgan asks, giving Reid a reassuring smile.

Reid nods somberly.

Thank You.

"No problem kid." Morgan smiles, hugging Reid tight again.

He knows. He always knows.


	2. Justification

Reid runs his thumb over the scabs forming on his inner arm.

More scars.

Reid's at the B.A.U. and he wants to cut…

He needs to cut. No reason in particular.

That's the scary part.

He worries his bottom lip as the urge submerges him, from a slight buzz at the base of his skull to a high need, a throbbing ache in his bones, in his gut.

He jerks from his chair, paper work long forgotten on his desk. He grabs a small black case from his satchel and stumbles to the bathroom.

I need to cut. I need to cut. I need to cut. Need to cut. Need to cut. Need to cut. Need to...

 _Another addiction_.

"Hey kid, you okay?" Reid brushes past Morgan and jerks out of his head, only to stare glossy eyed through Morgan.

_Morgan, no. Please, not now._

_Need to do this._

"Pretty Boy, let's go for some coffee." Morgan wraps an arm around Reid's shoulder and squeezes.

Reid shoots Morgan a pleading glance.

_Don't touch, don't touch, don't touch…_

Reid shakes his head.

"No thank you, I'm just going to go to the bathroom"—Reid says pathetically as Morgan gives him a withering look.

"We haven't talked in a while, and I want to get caught up…so come out for coffee with me. I know this great shop that's in walking distance. Have you been to A.J's yet?  Come on Reid, I'll get you the biggest, sugariest coffee they have." Morgan quirks a brow.

_Morgan, you're not making this any easier…you're too close._

Reid rolls his eyes and sighs.

"Sure…You'd better be paying."

"You bet. It's my treat." Morgan smiles goofily, tugging Reid towards the door.

///

The coffee shop is small and quiet, as Morgan carries Reid's coffee to the table, whipped cream floating at the top…Morgan shakes his head.

How is Reid gonna drink it all?

"Thank you." Reid whispers, as he takes a sip, steam curling around his face.

His eyes roll in the back of his head, mouth slightly open as he huddles over the cup. A soft moan of delight escapes his lips.

Orgasm face? Morgan wonders.

_Where the hell did that come from?_

Morgan sighs, sliding into the seat of their booth, his finger curling around his own modest coffee cup.

He looks up and smiles slightly; Reid's got whipped cream on the tip of his nose.

"Kid, you got…" Morgan's heart flutters as he leans across the table to swipe the cream off Reid's nose. Reid wrinkles it before laughing quietly.

"So, Reid…how you doin'?" Morgan asks hesitantly.

Reid's gaze snaps on Morgan as he bristles.

Morgan half expects him to his and swipe a paw at him.

Reid advert his gaze, stomach churning.

_  
If you want to get better, you have to talk. This isn't going to magically go away…this is going to take time._

"Pretty Boy, if you want me to help, I gotta know what's going on." Morgan rests his hands on the table.

"Morgan, do you really think that is easy? To talk? I"—Reid flounders for words.

"I'm struggling…that's all I know how to say. I can't put of this into words. I can't..." Reid whispers.

"Kid it's okay, I'm not trying to push you, I just want to understand… why do you cut yourself? I mean, doesn't it hurt?" Morgan stares Reid dead on.

Reid picks at his sleeve.

_Need to..._

"Yes, it does hurt, but at least I can control my pain. At least I know where it's coming from. At least I can hurt myself before anyone else gets the chance to…" Reid frowns.

Morgan hums, shifting slightly towards Reid.

"Go ahead and laugh, laugh at how irrational it is…laugh at how stupid I am. GO on." Reid spit out harshly…eyes betraying him as he searches Morgan's eyes for something even he can't place.

_Need a blade._

"Reid, I don't want to laugh. I don't see anything funny about it. I'm not saying that I totally understand, what's going on with you, or what you're going through, but I do understand on some level." Morgan takes Reid's hand, tracing the ridges in Reid's palm.

"Morgan, please…" Reid whimpers. He really wants to scream, wants to tear out of A.J.'s and never look back. Wants to shut himself down and restart, like a computer. That's what everyone sees him like any way. A random fact generator, something good for making mental connections others can't, but not dealing with the emotional. No, Reid does not have wants and dreams, wishes to be held and comforted. Not him, never.

His thoughts take him further and further away.

Cutting…a disease.

_You got to want to get better._

_Morgan's trying to reach out, why won't you let him help?_

_Because, it hurts more than the cutting itself. I want someone to care, but then when they do, I 'm scared. I don't want to let them down. I don't want to let them in._

_But, it's only going to get worse if you continue like this. You're going to want more, need more…blood, scars. You're going to want to touch bone, and where does that leave you? Huh?_

_Don't you think I know that? Don't you think I get that? I just don't want to be in my head all the time, is that too much to ask for? I don't want to feel anything. I want to feel everything….and I know that doesn't make any sense, but that's where I'm at right now. Just leave me the hell alone._

_Nope. One good cut would make you go numb. Forget for a bit._

_Shut up._

_Just one cut._

"Reid? What's going on up there?" Morgan frowns.

"Nothing, look we should get back, the teams probably looking for us"— Reid tries to beg off, but is interrupted by their cell phones going off.  

"Hello?" they both answer.

It's Hotch and Garcia telling them that they can go home for the day; that they all need a break.

Both sigh, snapping their cells shut, staring at each other.

"Reid, I think you need some type of distraction, or a way out. Like if you ever feel the urge to cut, just pick up the phone to call me. Or if you don't feel like you don't want to be alone in your apartment, just come over, you know I don't mind." Morgan takes his keys from his pocket.

"Here, take the extra key to my house. You know you're always welcome to it." Morgan takes the key Off it's  chain, sliding it to Reid, who stares at it a second before clasping it in his fingers.

"Kid, I know you think you have to handle everything yourself, but you don't. I know you're strong and that you can take care of yourself, but still, sometimes it feels good to lean on someone else for a while."

"I know you're probably beatin' yourself up about this, but we care about you, kid…I care about you, and I can't stand to see you hurt like this. I hope that you trust me enough to help." Morgan sinks back into the plastic vinyl seat.

Reid stares down at his hand for a second.

"Do you…do you mean it?" Reid's voice is soft and raw, like he's trying to hold back the primal sounds of grieving.

Like he's trying to hold on to himself.

"Of course, I do." Morgan sighs, waiting for Reid to look up at him. "I meant every single word Reid." Morgan raps his knuckles on the table as Reid nods his understanding.

"Okay.I-I can do that." Reid says shakily. "It's just…it's just so hard, I'm so used to being by myself, doing things on my own. I don't know how to…let other people in." Reid says.

"Well, I want in. Will you let me? If you'll try, I'll try. Even if you don't, I'm still gonna find a way in, so be warned. Got it?" Morgan chides playfully, as Reid gives a tentative smile.

Reid nods.

Morgan, I love you.

Morgan stares at Reid's mouth for a second. Did Reid just…

Reid stares back. Did he just say that out loud?

Reid's stomach drops as Morgan studies Reid.

_this can't be happening this can't be happening not now not now not now not now not now_

"Reid Wait!" Morgan hollers as Reid leaps from the table, tearing out of the shop, the silence broken by the sobs trailing after Reid's wake.

Morgan runs out after him, but looks around outside. He can't tell which way he went.

Morgan slumps against his car, slamming his fist against the side.

"Fuck Fuck Fuck!" Morgan hisses as he sinks down to the cold concrete.

This is not how this was supposed to go.


	3. Resolution

Morgan sits outside Reid's apartment, scrubbing his palm across his face.

Three pearls fell from Reid's mouth, and he wasn't able to pick them up fast enough.

Morgan speed dials Reid. Number two on the list, funny right?

For the twelfth time tonight, Reid's cell goes straight to voicemail.

 _Where in the hell could that kid be?_ Morgan swears as his stomach clenches tighter.

_I love you._

Those three words reverberate in his chest.

Reid, I don't think you understand how much I need you to be okay—Morgan silently prays as he waits.

/

_Need to cut so bad_

Reid bites the juncture of his hand as he runs to the public park a few blocks from his house.

He's being pulled under as he staggers to the public restroom, fingering the sharp edge of the blade in his messenger bag.

The sharp smell of piss and dirt hits his nose…he feels the pin pricks of pain as his skin welcomes the blade.

Need to do it. Need to cut…Morgan? Morgan looked as if he got punched in the gut.

_Why in the hell did you tell him?_

_Because…I –he cares for me and I thought…_

_Thought what? That he cares for you in that way? You must be brain damaged._

_He screws females, not skinny, pale nerds like you._

_What can you offer him but a sack of bones in bed, and a head ache?_

_Who would ever want some emotionally despondent freak like you? Huh?_

_Morgan… he, I thought…_

_You were dead wrong. Wrong to think that anyone could help you, that he could help you stop. You need it. You need to cut. It'll make you feel good. It will make you feel better than you ever have before. It'll make all the pain go away. It'll make you forget how disgusted Morgan is with you. Go ahead…do it._

_Morgan does care._

_Not after you've ignored his calls for what…the fifteenth time tonight? Give it up and cut already_!

Reid's phone ringing tears him from the battle in his head.

 _Morgan…I love you. I'm so sorry_.

Reid answers his phone, fingers shaking.

"Hello?" He croaks.

"God Pretty Boy where the hell are you I've been trying to reach you and you haven't picked up your phone and it's been hours… are you okay I — I"— Morgan sobs out harshly.

Reid's breath is loud in the silence. Morgan cares?

"M-Morgan? I'm weak. I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have…I didn't mean to…" Reid hiccups into the receiver.

I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all.

I'm sick of feeling numb.

"Shh...Pretty Boy, it's okay. Where are you?" Morgan rushes to his car, slamming the door and quickly starts it.

"Um, I'm at the park near my apartment? Morgan, I'm sorry…" Reid sighs, leaning against the dirty basin. "What are you apoligizin' for? You just had me worried is all. I couldn't bear anything happening to you. I'm on my way." Morgan says.

Reid hears the car rev, tires squealing as Morgan maneuvers through traffic.

"Reid are you there?" Morgan asks.

"Yes, I am. I'm…" Reid starts to apologize again, but catches himself, imagining the look Morgan would give him if he were there.

Reid wishes Morgan was there, his chest aches at the thought.

Reid steps out of the bathroom, trudging his way to his favorite bench in the park, clutching his cell phone to his ear and waits.

Morgan pulls up into the parking lot and sits for a second, trying to compose himself.

"Pretty Boy, still there? " Morgan asks again as he hops out of the truck.

"Yeah Morgan, I'm still here." Reid stares straight ahead at the trees being molested by the breeze.

"There you are." Morgan says quietly and Reid shutters.

They both flick hang up, Reid stands on shaky legs when he spots Morgan rushing towards him.  

"I'm so"— Reid eyes flood as he trembles, tottering away from the bench to meet Morgan half way. "Morgan, I'm so sor"— Reid tries again, collapsing into Morgan's outstretched arms.

Morgan embraces him gently, running a hand along Reid's arm.

Reid shakes violently as he sinks into Morgan's touch, crying racking his body.

"You're doing well, so well. It's okay." Morgan presses a kiss to the top of Reid's head.

"I love you Pretty Boy. I Love You Reid. I want you to know that, okay? I don't know what I would do without you. Please… " Morgan squeezes his eyes shut as he holds Reid tighter.

"Please don't hate me." Morgan murmurs.

"Derek?" Reid pulls way from Morgan to look him in the eye. "You…meant it?"

Reid's face twists in deep concentration.

 "Yes? I don't want you to hate me." Morgan blows out.

"No, I mean, did you mean that you…love me?" Reid's voice goes embarrassingly high; it cracks as he blushes scarlet.

Morgan smiles wistfully.

"Of course I meant it, Pretty Boy; I would never jerk you around like that. I love you, Spencer Reid." Morgan brushes his thumb against Reid's cheek.

Reid presses his face into Morgan's gently touch, before tilting his head back, mouth slightly open.

He didn't even have to ask, as Morgan closes the gap, pressing his lips to his in an almost chaste kiss…that is before Reid presses back, harder than he ever thought he would, deepening the kiss until it's slightly bruising, violent struggle for…everything.

Morgan pulls back, trying to catch his breath.

That's what he's been waiting for…forever. No woman would ever dare kiss him like that, even if they were the aggressive type, thinking he wants all softness and curves.

No, Morgan wants the hard planes of Reid's chest, the sharp jut of hip bone under his large hands. All he could ever hope for found in the slight stubble raking across his face as he goes again for another kiss, entangling himself in the strong smell of aftershave, coffee, ink and something distinctly…Reid.

Morgan reels from the overwhelming power Reid can have over him…

This is everything, either of them could hope for. Happiness. Lookers on stop and stare at the two men pressed against the park bench as Morgan and Reid finally remember where they are; they break apart, giggling.  

Reid licks his lips and Morgan outright moans.

Somewhere, someone's family outing is ruined. Somewhere, some fan girl is squeeing.

"Kid, I"— For once, it's not just Reid who's at a loss for words.

"Yeah," Reid sighs, pressing his body into Morgan again, resting his head on his shoulder.

"Okay." Morgan says.

There is no need for words as the sun settles lower on the horizon, and the first of the street lamps flicker on, lighting orange against them. Everything's gonna be okay.

///

Reid stares at the hot white scars lining his inner arm.

When was the last time he thought about them?

Every second.

It's been how long since he's taken a razor to himself?

It's been months, but it feels like an eternity ago, it feels like seconds ago.

He feels something hang from his neck. He looks down to see a gold ring dangle from a chain, looks up to see Morgan smile as he clasps the necklace behind his neck.

"How long have we been together?" Morgan smirks.

"One year, five days, two hours, seven minutes, approximately." Reid smiles back; Morgan does not refute his words. He knows not two.

"Well, since that's settled, how long will it be before you say yes to marrying me?" He leans down, laying a sweet kiss on Reid's mouth.

Reid squeaks in protest, and Morgan lets up.

"If you would have given me a chance to answer, I would have said yes, but now, I'm not so sure." Reid wrinkles his nose.

Morgan huffs playfully, rolling his eyes.

"Dr. Spencer Reid, will you marry me?" Morgan asks, all hint of joking cast aside.

"Yes, Derek Morgan, I will marry you. Well, as married as we can be.  If…" Reid stutters to a stop when he sees the look Morgan's sporting right now. "Let's go celebrate?" Reid says instead.

"We should probably call Garcia first…and then our families… you know they'll all kill us if we don't."

Morgan laughs at the look of mortification on Reid's face.

"Do we have to? Garcia…J.J. Prentiss, your sisters are all going to freak out and…"

"Get over it Pretty Boy, we've gotta face it sooner rather than later, than incur the wrath of a thousand angry women."

Morgan says as he sinks on the couch next to Reid, spooning against him.

He entwines his fingers with Reid's settling against him.

They're all each other could have hoped for.

 

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: I want to hear your thinky thoughts. Let me know what you think. Thank you for taking the time to read.


End file.
